Being a dad is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you could ever possibly do, but if you knew what you were getting into beforehand, you鈥檇 probably run the other way screaming like a madman.
It鈥檚 a weird job description.
鈥淪o, Mr. Hill, in this new position you鈥檒l be sleep-deprived for the first few years (if not longer), and you鈥檒l be required to handle human feces regularly, not to mention tons of mucus and other bodily fluids. Oh, and how are you with loud crying? Great, great. And worrying about mortality? Yes, I know you didn鈥檛 worry about those things before, but as a 鈥楧ad鈥� with our company you鈥檒l do nothing but worry about your death or something happening to your wife or kids. It鈥檚 just one of the perks, y鈥檏now.鈥�
There are other perks, too.
鈥淟ooking at your resume, Mr. Hill, I see you like to watch the news channel and hockey games, as well as play video games late into the night. How do you feel about changing that to Dora the Explorer and The Wiggles for the foreseeable future? You will have to brush up on your Disney princesses too and become familiar with Barbie and all her plastic friends.
鈥淗a, ha, no, Mr. Hill, you won鈥檛 have any control over your TV anymore at all, or your free time鈥� but that鈥檚 very funny that you think you will. And no, there won鈥檛 be any late-night video gaming for a while either鈥� remember, sleep-deprived鈥� which also means no snugglebunnies for you and the wife until, shall we say, the kids turn 18 and are out of the house? Well, OK that鈥檚 negotiable.鈥�
You鈥檙e also very much not the mom when you鈥檙e a dad.
鈥淪o, as 鈥楧ad鈥� your immediate supervisor on the job is Mom, who will oversee your performance, and give you helpful feedback, which will come in the form of eye-rolling and heavy sighs. No, Mr. Hill, I am aware of the rumour that you are supposed to be equal in the eyes of the company, but Mom is generally considered to be the primary and better caregiver, and your kids will likely prefer her for the first few years. So let鈥檚 just put 鈥楴ot The Mom鈥� on your nametag, shall we? No, being a stay-at-home dad doesn鈥檛 count, I鈥檓 afraid. There will still only be Mom and baby groups at the library, and people will question why you have no 鈥榬eal career.鈥�
鈥淪o, you may be wondering, Mr. Hill, why we want you to take this position, if it seems so chaotic and life-altering? Well, to be frank, it鈥檚 awesome beyond anything you can imagine right now. You have the chance to look in the eyes of a person that you helped make鈥� yes, you get to make a real person, Mr. Hill鈥� and that little person will look back at you and call you 鈥楧ad.鈥� They鈥檒l rely on you, and learn from you. They鈥檒l want to be with you, and tell you about their day, and Mr. Hill, those little people will want to play with you, and laugh and sing and do all sorts of silly, wonderful things with you, and you鈥檒l feel unconditional love in its purest forms. You鈥檒l get to relive childhood and feel a joy that only parents know. No, Mr. Hill, there is no salary or vacation time, but boy, are there benefits. So? What do you say?鈥�
Even in hindsight, I鈥檇 take the job again in a minute. Although I鈥檇 probably negotiate more control over the TV and less eye-rolling next time.
